When colour disappears
I'm writing this on a Sunday afternoon in my mum's living room. I've been searching for things to keep my mind active and away from where it wants to be. I've written posts to publish for the rest of the week, and now I think I need to write what is actually on my mind.
This may turn out to be a somewhat out of character post (at least in terms of what I usually put on the internet) as it's not about photographs, or music, or me, or anything really. It's more about the complete lack of meaning that is prevalent when someone disappears without warning from life.
A very dear person passed away late last week with no hint or warning. My sister called to tell me and without thinking I left work and headed home. I had no idea what to think, it was far to difficult to comprehend what had happened. The drive through Friday rush hour traffic took an eternity but I couldn't recount a single thing that happened. My mind was nowhere within itself. I sat in silence, trying to understand. I couldn't.
I've been round to his family home a few times over the weekend. His wife and daughters are understandably distraught and it's impossible for me to imagine what they are going through. They left the house on Friday morning and by the afternoon their lives were upside down.
All of last weeks worries are rendered irrelevant and mean nothing. While not wanting to put words in their mouth, I'm sure they would sacrifice anything they could to have the opportunity to at least say goodbye.
This has been my first encounter with such a sudden loss and it makes it so much more difficult to make sense of. You stand, you drink tea, you sit in silence waiting on something, anything, to happen, while knowing that nothing is going to happen, it's not going to change. You feel utterly helpless while at the same time knowing that you would do literally anything to help them out, while not being able to convey this emotion without sounding trite and useless.
I don't suppose there is anything more I can add, if you've been through something like what they are suffering just now, I am truly sorry, as it is horrible, and I am sure the hurt doesn't diminish but I hope that with time, memories of better times will overpower the sense of loss.